Fitzpatrick, whose primary skill is, well, being tall, brings a fresh breeze of mediocrity to a Steelers team that’s no stranger to lofty ambitions and low returns. The Steelers, currently running out of wide receiver prospects who can even see over the offensive line, decided to roll the dice on this human skyscraper in hopes that he might at least block a few punts by standing perfectly still.
The Steelers, of course, are no strangers to signing players with obscure talents. Their last major success was… well, we’re still waiting for that, but signing Fitzpatrick, who was almost somebody on other teams, suggests they’re going all-in on "giraffe football." At 6-foot-5, Fitzpatrick will tower over the competition, mainly because they’ll be too busy squinting at his elongated shadow, wondering how he still manages to disappear on deep routes.
In a previous stint with the Tennessee Titans, Fitzpatrick made an impression by impressively not making much of an impression. Drafted in the fourth round in 2021, his tenure was highlighted by a string of warm-up catches, some sideline handshakes, and a touching few minutes of game time that made fans say, "Wait, who’s that guy?" Tennessee let him go when they realized they were already over their quota of tall people who don’t score touchdowns.
But hope springs eternal in Pittsburgh. After Fitzpatrick's signing, the Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin remarked, "We believe Dez has what it takes to... stand really tall in the end zone, and that’s something you just can’t teach." He then muttered something about wingspans and vertical jumps, as if those things were enough to cure the Steelers’ chronic case of offensive anemia.
Rumor has it Fitzpatrick's signing was partly due to his potential in special teams—primarily as a human field goal post for the kicker to aim at. If all else fails, they figure they can always use him to help hang the stadium’s Christmas lights this year.
On social media, Steelers fans are cautiously optimistic, which in Pittsburgh means they’re currently throwing things at their screens while muttering, “Well, at least he’s tall.” One particularly hopeful fan tweeted, “At 6-foot-5, Dez Fitzpatrick will be the perfect guy to miss wide-open passes at a higher altitude than our other receivers. Great signing!” Others pointed out that it’s always good to have a player who can reach those annoying light bulbs that always burn out right above the line of scrimmage.
Steelers insiders say the coaching staff was really impressed with Fitzpatrick’s ability to stand out in a crowd, mainly because he’s literally taller than most of them. His long frame, while useful for stretching out awkward handshakes, hasn’t exactly translated into regular-season glory, but hey, the Steelers aren’t picky these days. Desperation, it seems, is a 6-foot-5 wide receiver with a “potential upside” that’s nearly as long as his torso.
As the Steelers prepare for the upcoming season, the team hopes Fitzpatrick’s height will make up for, well, everything else. He might not be the next Randy Moss, but at least he’ll have a front-row seat to all the action from several inches above everyone else. Whether or not he’ll actually catch a ball remains to be seen, but you can bet he’ll look tall doing it.
In the end, Pittsburgh’s signing of Dez Fitzpatrick is less about filling a need and more about sending a message to the rest of the NFL: “We have no idea what we’re doing, but at least our wide receivers are getting taller.”
