The Browns, who have perfected the art of taking one step forward and three hilarious steps back, apparently felt that Westry, with his experience and serviceable skills, no longer fit their organizational philosophy—because, you know, competence is so 1999. The team's brain trust (an oxymoron if there ever was one) likely gathered around a table, scratched their heads, and thought, “How can we make sure our secondary is even more porous than it already is?”
Chris Westry, a 6-foot-4 cornerback who spent his career trying to cover receivers while Cleveland’s defensive schemes played a cruel joke on him, was thanked for his service and promptly handed a bus ticket out of town. You could almost hear the collective sigh of relief from the wide receivers in the AFC North who no longer have to worry about accidentally running into someone who knows how to play defense.
Westry’s time in Cleveland was, like most Browns players, a temporary sentence in football purgatory. The Browns, notorious for being the NFL's version of the Bermuda Triangle (where talent enters but is never seen again), thanked him for his efforts before unceremoniously yeeting him off the roster. A spokesman for the team said, “Chris gave us some good moments, but we just felt it was time for him to go. Plus, we figured we could replace him with another nameless rookie that’ll be gone by Week 4.”
Fans of the Browns, a group of people so tortured that they could probably handle hosting a therapy session for vampires, reacted predictably to the news. “Wait, we’re releasing someone? It must be Wednesday,” said one fan while pouring another drink. “I’m sure this means we’re preparing for a trade. Like, maybe we’ll get a broken Gatorade cooler or a 7th-round pick in 2030.”
The release of Westry fits the Browns’ time-honored tradition of shedding players who might accidentally improve the team’s win-loss record. Historically, the team has made sure to keep only the most injury-prone, mentally exhausted, and morally defeated players on the roster. Releasing Westry, a competent cornerback, was clearly a strategic decision to keep the defense on its toes—and by that, we mean flat on its back as opposing quarterbacks carve them up like a Thanksgiving turkey.
Westry’s release wasn’t just about performance, of course. It’s about maintaining the delicate balance of misery that Cleveland football is known for. “We can’t just have functional cornerbacks running around and breaking up passes,” said a source close to the team. “That’s not what the Browns are about. We’re about creating suspense—suspense over whether our defense will collapse in the first quarter or the second. Chris was disrupting that balance.”
The timing of the release also raises questions. Some insiders believe this move is just the latest in a long series of tactical errors designed to confuse fans, opponents, and possibly even the coaching staff. In fact, it’s widely rumored that the front office is planning to release half the team by midseason, purely for the fun of watching third-stringers and practice squad players try to figure out how football works on Sundays.
As Westry packs his bags and heads off to find a team that actually values keeping points off the board, the Browns will continue their proud tradition of futility. With the 2024 season looming, the team is sure to have more roster shake-ups, injuries, and baffling coaching decisions to delight their long-suffering fanbase.
In conclusion, the Browns' decision to release Chris Westry proves, once again, that they are committed to maintaining their spot as the NFL’s undisputed kings of chaos. If you think this move makes sense, congratulations—you’ve probably never watched the Browns play. Here's to another season of hilariously poor decisions, and hey, maybe next time they’ll release their starting quarterback just to keep things spicy.
