Want to keep up to date with Arthur’s writing? Subscribe to receive an email whenever a new column is published.
When I was younger, I had an elderly relative who seemed incredibly kind and generous on the surface. She always brought thoughtful gifts when she visited, enjoyed cooking your favorite meal, and would be there with chicken soup if you were sick. However, she had a peculiar habit of never accepting any favors from others. She took pride in her refusal to receive help, stating, “I give, but don’t take,” even declining a simple glass of water.
This behavior extended even in death; she left specific instructions for her body to be donated to medical science and requested no memorial service. I’ve noticed a similar pattern in other individuals who pride themselves on their generosity: they give without ever accepting anything in return. While they may believe this adds to their virtuousness, it actually comes across as selfish. Refusing kindness from others places all the moral credit on the giver while burdening the receiver with a sense of indebtedness or obligation that they cannot repay.
True generosity involves both giving and receiving graciously. Being able to accept kindness from others is just as important for your relationships and well-being as being able to give generously.
Researchers have shown the positive effects of kindness in various studies, demonstrating that both the recipients and givers experience increased happiness. Giving others opportunities to be kind and helpful can uplift their well-being, creating a positive cycle of kindness and gratitude.
To increase someone’s happiness, you can accept their generosity or even ask for a small favor. Some scholars suggest that the most effective way to receive a major favor is by initially requesting a minor one. Benjamin Franklin once wisely noted, “He that has once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another, than he whom you yourself have obliged.” For instance, if a potential employer offers you a cup of coffee, responding with a cheerful “I’d love one!” can enhance rapport, regardless of whether you actually drink coffee.
It is important to be cautious of crossing the line between asking for assistance and presuming on someone’s generosity. Making excessive or unreasonable requests can quickly shift how you are perceived, potentially leading to strained relationships. Additionally, the manner in which you make requests matters. Avoid being demanding, as this can come across as selfish and entitled.
Furthermore, diluting the inherent value of a favor by introducing extrinsic benefits, such as offering money in exchange for help, can diminish the warmth derived from genuine acts of kindness. Favors should be given and received solely out of goodwill, without the expectation of material gain.
Accepting acts of kindness graciously fosters positive connections with others. Developing a mindset of being open to receiving help while also reciprocating kindness can cultivate a culture of generosity and mutual support. By engaging in a cycle of giving and receiving, you contribute to a thriving social dynamic where goodwill circulates freely, benefiting all participants.
Initiating the cycle by asking for advice or assistance from others can be a simple yet effective way to kickstart a pattern of mutual support. By embracing opportunities to both receive and offer help, you contribute to a positive exchange that enriches relationships and builds a sense of community. Remember, fostering a spirit of generosity and reciprocity can lead to greater happiness and fulfillment for all involved.
Consider seeking out individuals who can offer valuable perspectives in various aspects of life, such as relationships, career, or personal development. It is beneficial to ask for advice, even if it is not necessarily required to act upon it. Love can serve as a remedy for fear, as stated by Arthur C. Brooks.
When faced with the question of how to apply the asking-as-giving principle when it seems someone has nothing to offer, such as a homeless individual requesting assistance, it can be perplexing. Reflecting on this scenario, a realization dawned that there is value in what even seemingly disadvantaged individuals can provide.
In a personal encounter with a homeless individual, after providing food, a request for a prayer was made. The willingness of the person to pray for the well-being of the giver and their family highlighted the reciprocal nature of giving and receiving. This exchange, regardless of religious beliefs, underscored the importance of showing appreciation and respect for the kindness bestowed upon us.
The essence of the story, originally featured in The Atlantic, emphasizes the significance of seeking insights from diverse sources and acknowledging the value in every interaction, no matter how seemingly unequal it may appear.
