Eight years ago, I wrote a letter to my mother explaining my need for space and a break in contact. It wasn’t meant to be a permanent separation, but a necessary respite from the constant, unexpected attacks she directed towards me for over 50 years. My mother instilled in me a belief that my body was repulsive and my accomplishments were inadequate, even questionable. When I was a victim of sexual assault, she accused me of lying. She subjected me to personality tests and used the results to belittle me, questioning why I was shy when she saw herself as outgoing. The scars she left were internal: shame, self-doubt, constant questioning, and a lack of trust in myself and others.
Cutting ties with my mother was a decision I made to silence the critical voice in my head – hers – and listen instead to my own voice. The distance from her allowed me to see her behavior from a new perspective. I realized that if any other mother treated her daughter the way mine treated me, I would be appalled and advise that daughter to escape. I finally heeded my own instincts and navigated the unfamiliar territory of estrangement.
Here are five insights I wish I had known about life after breaking contact:
1. Conversations about family estrangement will be uncomfortable, and many will question your choice. People may struggle to understand your decision, citing your mother’s public persona as evidence of her goodness. Despite her charitable acts and social work, her private behavior was emotionally destructive. People may challenge you with statements like “But she’s your mother,” or “She gave birth to you.” The pressure to maintain family ties can complicate the healing process and further burden abuse survivors with shame. While discussing estrangement may be challenging, societal attitudes are evolving, offering support to the significant number of adults who are estranged from family members.
2. You will need to reaffirm your decision repeatedly to yourself. Many may assume your actions stem from anger, but in reality, they come from a place of compassion and self-preservation. Establishing boundaries, including going no-contact, was necessary for me to maintain a healthy relationship with myself and my loved ones. Initially, I grappled with guilt and sadness over the implications of my choice. However, holding onto positive memories while safeguarding myself from harm was essential for my well-being. Trust in your decision and seek support from those who understand and stand by you.
To me, the thought of causing someone distress felt unbearable. Yet, unwittingly, that’s exactly what I did to my mother—I severed all ties, leaving her in the dark about my life. The disparity between her and me was stark: I owned up to my mistakes with my own children. However, whenever I attempted to broach the subject of our strained relationship with my mother, she brushed off my concerns as oversensitivity. It took considerable time for me to realize that her treatment of me surpassed mere errors and transcended the excuse of “that’s just how things were in the past.” I didn’t harm my mother; instead, I took a stand—albeit tentatively—in defense of myself. I straightened up from my defensive stance and declared “enough.” When external pressures or guilt try to sway you, remember that setting healthy boundaries is a wise decision.
In setting boundaries, be prepared for the possibility of losing contact with other family members. They might have had a different perception of the individual you’re estranged from. They may have turned a blind eye to the abuse or chosen to ignore it altogether. When one person steps away, it’s common for them to be labeled as the disruptor of the family, though the family unit may have been fractured long before. Scapegoating—sacrificing one for the collective good—is an age-old tactic, albeit one that offers false solace. My relationship with my sisters was already tenuous, as my mother fostered competition and distrust through her own belittling remarks and constant comparisons, always ready to echo someone else’s criticisms. When I severed ties with the toxic individual, it wasn’t just an act of self-preservation—it was a step towards breaking free from a cycle of toxicity and dysfunction.
