I Tried (And Ranked) Every Smoothie At Erewhon by Mackenzie Filson
While I will always argue that LA offers more than just yoga pants and green juices (it also includes “danger dogs” and Modelos), there’s no denying the allure of an Erewhon smoothie. The vibrant colors swirling together like a Renoir watercolor make it tempting to indulge in one of these $22 treats and share it on Instagram. Could a Hailey Bieber skincare smoothie be the cure for all your problems? It certainly feels like it could. However, not everyone can or wants to spend $17 to $22 on a single smoothie. That’s why I took it upon myself to try out as many variations as possible, sampling a total of 21 (unfortunately, a few were unavailable at my local Erewhon). Now my freezer is stocked with smoothies, resembling the Lumon fridges from the show Severance.
Faced with a plethora of options on the menu, I knew I needed a ranking system to prevent a permanent brain freeze. Although not a completely rational scale, I quickly tasted each smoothie, jotting down my impressions as I went along. The worst received a “JAIL!” label, while the best earned a coveted “CREAMSICLE!” rank. Fortunately, only one smoothie caused me to gag. Here is how they all stacked up:
Goddess Smoothie: -15/10
Having once worked a job where I had to literally scrape pond scum out of a lake for eight hours, I can confidently say that this godless Goddess smoothie is akin to pond scum. There is a 1000% chance of gagging, so I do not recommend it.
Strawberry Probiotic Smoothie: -10/10
If I could sue a smoothie for emotional distress, it would be this Strawberry Probiotic one. The tartness from the kefir and strawberries clashes with the sweetness of stevia and xylitol, leaving my taste buds in need of therapy.
Coconut Dreams Smoothie: -7/10
This Coconut Dreams smoothie may seem like an easy target, but it’s more of a Coconut Nightmare. I simply wrote “coconut lawn trimmings” in my notes and swiftly moved on. Please spare me from ever hearing about this smoothie again, as I am over it!
Perfect Amino-Choco Revive by Gary Brecka: -5/10
A deceptive smoothie that resembles the Java Chip Frappuccinos from my youth, the Perfect Amino-Choco Revive falls short in taste (possibly due to the unexpected cauliflower rice). It is overwhelmingly sour with dark chocolate notes and lacks the necessary sweetness to balance it out.
Post Workout Smoothie: 0/10
The Post Workout smoothie exemplifies why protein shakes often receive criticism. It tastes like vanilla-flavored gruel and is likely what Saxon from White
Not even all that wild (banana, blueberries, almond milk), and yet, I have to admit that I really do not like this smoothie.
Mackenzie Filson’s Smoothie Reviews:
Maca Bomb Smoothie: 3/10
The Maca Bomb was nowhere near being the bomb. As I sipped on it, the taste of “medicine but creamy” came to mind, likely due to the earthier supplements it contains like mesquite, hemp, and lucuma. It also has toffee-flavored stevia, which is a big no for me.
Matchacado Smoothie: 5/10
The Matchacado smoothie fell under the “unoffensive” category in my rating system. It’s creamy, but that’s about it. The richness of avocado might have overshadowed the matcha flavor, leaving me with a plain avocado taste with a hint of banana. Not very memorable, but not bad either.
Peanut Butter Blast Smoothie: 5/10
A peanut butter smoothie can be delightful, but what if it also tasted like dirt? That’s the experience with the Peanut Butter Blast smoothie. Despite the dirt-like taste, I managed to finish it. It takes a lot for something like peanut butter to be inedible.
Turmeric Crush Smoothie: 6/10
The Turmeric Crush smoothie is more juice-like than smoothie-like. It’s slushy and lacks creaminess, with a strong carrot-ginger flavor that reminds me of a typical West LA mom in a Land Rover.
Brainstorm Smoothie: 7/10
The Brainstorm smoothie gave me vibes of “drinkable banana bread” from the first sip. It’s packed with banana, walnuts, and dates, offering a multi-textural experience that blurs the line between a smoothie and a milkshake. I might consider making this at home.
Hailey Bieber’s Strawberry Glaze Skin Smoothie: 7/10
It’s impossible to discuss Erewhon smoothies without mentioning Hailey Bieber’s Strawberry Glaze Skin smoothie. It tastes like a strawberry milkshake and contains ingredients like collagen and sea moss, promising good skin. It might sound like snake oil, but at its core, it’s a delicious treat.
Wellness By Nara Smith Smoothie: 8/10
This smoothie by Nara Smith makes you question if you’re better than everyone else. Packed with collagen, probiotics, and vitamin C, it’s not only nutritious but also delicious. It’s akin to a drinkable tropical lemon bar.
Malibu Mango Smoothie: 8/10
As the smoothie lines blur, the Malibu Mango stands out with its mango creamsicle-like flavor. It’s slightly more decadent and leans towards a milkshake taste, distinguishing itself from others.
Vanilla Matcha Smoothie: 8/10
While the Perfect A
Defense is a tart and refreshing smoothie filled with blueberries, strawberries, and a touch of bee pollen that truly embodies the essence of Erewhon. Mackenzie Filson’s review of Raw Farms Strawberry Smoothie gives it a 9/10 rating, with a mention of the unique raw milk kefir it contains that adds a Pinkberry-like sweetness. The Activated Smoothie is praised with a 9/10 rating for its energizing coffee kick and creamy coconut flavor, earning bonus points for skillfully incorporating stevia. Mackenzie Filson’s enthusiastic review of the Amino Acid Trip Smoothie, receiving a perfect 10/10 score, highlights its delightful taste reminiscent of a Dole Whip, featuring blueberry glaze and yuzu magnesium powder. Erewhon’s Coconut Cloud Smoothie, also rated 10/10, impresses with its earthy, nutty, and rich profile while remaining light and refreshing, making it a top choice among all the smoothies tasted. It is described as the epitome of a smoothie worth the investment, offering a unique flavor profile and packed with beneficial supplements. Ultimately, it’s a delightful sip that Mackenzie couldn’t resist and would happily enjoy again.
