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Have your New Year’s resolutions already fallen by the wayside? Here’s a different approach: Before you criticize yourself and start over, pause and reflect on the underlying reasons for feeling the need to make significant changes. According to Ellen Hendriksen, PhD, a clinical psychologist at Boston University’s Center for Anxiety & Related Disorders, the impulse to fix ourselves often stems from a sense of inadequacy. In her new book, How to Be Enough, she delves into the origins of our insecurities, influenced by demanding parental figures, the distorted reflections of social media, and society’s constant pressure to attain perfection through products or technologies. These ingrained beliefs in our flaws hinder genuine personal development. Missing a workout session or deadline only serves to reinforce these negative beliefs, leading us to give up on our aspirations in defeat.
Drawing from her experiences working with clients at Boston University, Hendriksen understands the repercussions of setting unattainable standards for oneself. While perfectionism may bring accolades and success initially, it can eventually lead to negative outcomes, such as strained relationships, mental health issues like depression, or perpetual dissatisfaction. Hendriksen herself confronted these destructive tendencies some years ago, experiencing physical ramifications of stress and burnout. This realization prompted her to embark on a journey towards self-acceptance, a path many of her clients also needed to embrace.
Letting go of self-criticism opens the door to taking risks and achieving genuine personal growth. Paradoxically, accepting our imperfections can alleviate anxiety and loneliness by fostering authenticity and vulnerability in our interactions. Hendriksen acknowledges that developing this level of self-acceptance is a gradual process, outlined in her book. When asked for advice on starting this transformative journey, she shared the following steps:
1. Embrace the Gray Areas: Rather than falling into the trap of black-and-white thinking, where every action is judged as either perfect or a failure, Hendriksen suggests adopting a more nuanced perspective. Acknowledge your strengths alongside your shortcomings, recognizing that imperfections are part of the human experience.
2. Discover Your Motivation: Instead of fixating on flawless outcomes as a measure of your value, embrace the importance of making mistakes and learning from them. Whether trying a new hobby or tackling a challenging project, remember that growth often emerges from imperfection.
By incorporating these insights into your approach, you can gradually cultivate a more compassionate and authentic relationship with yourself, laying the groundwork for meaningful personal development.”
“And consider your greater purpose here,” Hendriksen recommends. “Ask yourself, ‘Why am I creating this?’ Perhaps it is to cultivate relaxation through engaging in a mindful activity, or to nurture your creative side.” When you focus on your overarching values, you will become more accepting of the inevitable setbacks and be able to progress towards what truly matters to you.
Acting with self-compassion is key, according to Hendriksen. She firmly believes in treating oneself with the same kindness as one would a friend, although she acknowledges that it can be challenging. “As someone with perfectionistic tendencies, I struggled with speaking to myself in a compassionate manner,” she shares. “I expected myself to effortlessly communicate self-compassionate sentiments and instantly believe them. When this proved difficult, I felt defeated. I thought, ‘I can’t even be kind to myself!’ It felt like I was deceiving myself.”
Hendriksen offers a practical approach that has worked for her: beginning with actions rather than words. “We have more influence over our behaviors than our thoughts or emotions,” she explains. “This may involve ignoring emails to enjoy a peaceful moment with our coffee or allowing ourselves to rest instead of going to the gym when feeling unwell. It entails treating ourselves kindly and asking, ‘What do I need right now?’”
Embracing the notion that you are already whole is a significant stride towards genuinely believing it.
